I was wrong. I naively thought my anxiety-filled teaching days were over. Two classes that I've taught often enough to need minimal prep and students on track--I celebrated winning the adjunct lottery! And then.
Emails from a student who is off track arrived. Please please please...please please please kept coming. As I read I was riding on an out of control bus, not stopping at intersections, swerving across lanes. And clutching onto the pole, I wondered...why do I read emails after 5:00 p.m.? After all, the student is doing what students do.
I have developed a nervous tick that relates to the immediacy of technology, that I file in the addiction bin. I noticed this when I began reading books on my ipad. The time of day appears above the text, and so when I read I got in the habit of looking at the time. Then I read a real book. What a shock to find myself looking at the top of the page for the time, for a button, for a something to click.
The other day I listened to and watched a youtube video of Tara Brach, a favorite Buddhist teacher who gives weekly talks which she tapes. I watched on my ipad while simultaneously googling on my laptop her website, and read about her other lectures. I saw the craziness. . Ah...I long for present moment peace, but I think I may be allergic to it.
I digress. My student. I'll wait until working hours. I'll take a deep breath. Not take it personally (as if!).I'll go back to sleep or paint: the two activities where I do live in the now. Where I'm blanketed in color and comfort. On the right, some new painterly doodlings.